Healthy disagreements
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. It’s natural to disagree from time to time, especially when two people with unique perspectives, values, and emotions share their lives together. However, disagreements don’t have to be destructive. In fact, when handled with care and understanding, conflict can actually strengthen a relationship (say whaaat?).
Let’s look at the difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict, and how to navigate disagreements with your partner in a way that fosters connection rather than causing harm.
Healthy Conflict vs. Unhealthy Conflict
Healthy conflict involves open, respectful communication that aims to resolve differences while preserving the emotional safety of both partners. This kind of conflict often leads to growth and greater understanding. It acknowledges that disagreements are opportunities to learn more about each other and find compromises.
Unhealthy conflict, on the other hand, involves behaviors that harm the emotional or physical well-being of one or both partners. This can include yelling, name-calling, stonewalling, or dismissing the other person’s feelings. Over time, unhealthy conflict can erode trust and intimacy and leave lasting emotional wounds. If unresolved, these patterns can lead to trauma, further complicating the relationship dynamic.
Why Healthy Conflict Is Good for Relationships
Many people think conflict is something to avoid at all costs. But the truth is, healthy conflict can actually be a sign of a strong relationship.
Here’s why:
It Encourages Honest Communication: Expressing differing viewpoints allows both partners to be heard and seen.
It Builds Trust: When disagreements are resolved respectfully, it reinforces that the relationship is a safe space for vulnerability.
It Strengthens Connection: Working through conflicts together creates a sense of teamwork and shared commitment.
Tips for Disagreeing Without Hurting Each Other
Here are some actionable strategies for navigating disagreements in a healthy way:
Start with Self-Awareness: Before engaging in a disagreement, check in with yourself. Are you feeling angry, defensive, or overwhelmed? Taking a moment to pause and regulate your emotions can prevent reactive or hurtful behavior.
Example: If you feel your temper rising, say, “I need a few minutes to calm down before we talk about this.”
Use “I” Statements: Instead of blaming your partner, focus on how you feel and what you need. This minimizes defensiveness and keeps the conversation constructive.
Example: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.”
Practice Active Listening: Really listen to what your partner is saying without interrupting or formulating your response while they’re speaking. Reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding.
Example: “It sounds like you’re upset because you felt left out of the decision. Is that right?”
Stay Focused on the Issue: Avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated topics. Stick to the current disagreement to prevent the conversation from spiraling.
Example: If you’re discussing how to divide chores, don’t bring up an argument from last month about spending habits.
Agree to Take Breaks if Needed: If emotions are running high, it’s okay to pause the conversation and return to it later when both partners feel calmer. While we’re on the topic — ditch the “don’t go to bed angry” belief. Just get sleep if it’s marking things worse.
Example: “Let’s take a 20-minute break and come back to this.”
Focus on Solutions: Shift the conversation toward finding a compromise or resolution that works for both of you.
Example: “How can we split our schedules so we both feel supported?”
A Realistic Example of Healthy Conflict
Imagine a couple, Alex and Jamie, who disagree about how to spend their weekends. Alex prefers quiet time at home, while Jamie thrives on socializing. Here’s how they navigate this disagreement without causing harm:
Alex starts by expressing their feelings using “I” statements: “I feel overwhelmed when we have back-to-back social plans. I need some downtime to recharge.”
Jamie practices active listening and responds: “I hear that too much socializing feels draining for you. I didn’t realize it affected you that way.”
They brainstorm a compromise: alternating weekends between social activities and quiet time at home.
This approach allows both partners to feel heard and respected while finding a solution that works for both.
A Word on Expectations: Healthy conflict doesn’t mean you’ll never disagree or feel frustrated. The goal is not perfection but progress. By implementing the tools/tips above and seeking support when needed, couples can build a relationship that thrives even in the face of differences.
The Impact of Unhealthy Conflict
Unhealthy conflict can take a significant toll on a relationship. Partners may feel unsafe, unseen, or unsupported, leading to resentment and disconnection. Over time, this can result in:
Emotional Distance: Partners may withdraw from each other to avoid conflict, weakening the relationship.
Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism or belittling can erode confidence.
Trauma: Chronic patterns of unhealthy conflict can create emotional scars that linger long after the argument ends.
Trauma and Conflict
For some individuals, unhealthy conflict may trigger past trauma or create new trauma. This is particularly true if one partner uses emotionally abusive tactics or if the conflict mirrors unresolved wounds from childhood or previous relationships.
Trauma can make it even more challenging to navigate disagreements, as heightened emotions or fear responses may take over.
Working with a therapist who understands the interplay between trauma and conflict can help partners break these cycles and develop healthier ways of relating to one another.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy, especially Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), is designed to improve communication, deepen emotional bonds, and create a safe environment for addressing conflicts. In EFT, partners learn how to:
Identify and express their emotions in a constructive way.
Recognize and break out of negative interaction patterns.
Build a stronger foundation of trust and intimacy.
For couples who feel stuck or overwhelmed by conflict, couples therapy intensives can be especially effective. These multi-hour or multi-day sessions provide concentrated time to work through challenges, learn new tools, and make meaningful progress.
Click on the links to learn more about the services I offer!
Takeaways
Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but how you handle them can make all the difference. By practicing healthy conflict strategies, setting realistic expectations, and seeking professional support when needed, you can navigate disagreements in a way that strengthens your connection.
If you’re ready to take the next step in building a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, I’m here to help. As a trauma-informed therapist specializing in couples therapy and couples intensives, I can provide the tools and guidance you need. Contact me to schedule a consultation if you’re in Oregon or Washington and looking for a path toward deeper connection and understanding.
Looking to connect with a couples therapist who can help you work through conflict and develop healthier communication with your partner?
Take your first step towards a stronger, more connective partnership.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual Brainspotting sessions in Oregon and Washington. In-person services are available for therapy intensives only. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
