Can I repair relationships if I’m conflict avoidant?
Conflict is an inevitable part of all relationships. As a therapist specializing in trauma recovery, I often see individuals who identify themselves as conflict avoidant wondering if it's possible to repair relationships when the natural response is to shy away from confrontation.
In this blog post, we'll explore what it means to be conflict avoidant, the impact of childhood experiences on conflict resolution, and how therapeutic work can empower individuals to repair relationships even when conflict feels challenging.
What is Conflict Avoidance?
Conflict avoidance is a common response to the discomfort and vulnerability that often accompany interpersonal disagreements. While conflict itself is not necessarily comfortable for anyone, some individuals may find it more challenging than others. Various factors, including upbringing, past traumas, or the fear of rejection and abandonment, can result in a tendency to avoid conflict.
Childhood Factors that Influence Conflict Handling
Family Dynamics: Children who witnessed healthy, constructive approaches to conflict—such as open communication, empathy, and resolution—may develop stronger conflict-resolution skills. On the other hand, those who experienced toxic conflict environments may adopt conflict avoidance as a learned coping mechanism. Examples of toxic approaches include consequences for expressing emotions or opposing views, and the withholding of love and affection.
Past Traumas: Individuals who experienced emotional or even physical repercussions as a result of expressing disagreement often develop an aversion to conflict. The fear of repeating these traumatic experiences can lead to a tendency to avoid confrontation altogether.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: Individuals who faced withdrawal of love or connection after expressing differing opinions may associate conflict with the potential loss of relationships. This fear is often rooted in early attachment experiences and plays an important role in one’s view of safety and connection. Conflict avoidance may develop as a protective mechanism against potential harm.
Relationship Challenges
Individuals who are conflict avoidant often struggle to navigate and maintain relationships. The reluctance to address conflicts directly can lead to a buildup of unspoken tensions and unmet needs, creating an emotional disconnect between partners, friends, or family members. This may result in a lack of effective communication and, ultimately, create frustration.
Unresolved conflicts that are never addressed can potentially cause more significant damage over time. While conflict avoidance may temporarily keep the peace, the long-term impact involves a gradual loss of the emotional intimacy and trust needed for resilient and fulfilling relationships.
Further still, those who are conflict avoidant tend to internalize and blame themselves for the dissatisfaction they’re facing in their relationships.
“Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”
“Maybe I’m overthinking it.”
“Maybe I wasn’t clear enough about my boundaries.”
Therapeutic Work & Healing
It is possible to repair relationships if you’re conflict avoidant, however, it’s important to do your own healing in this area before involving others. Repairing relationships involves a combination of self-awareness, therapeutic intervention, and a commitment to fostering healthier patterns of communication and conflict resolution.
Recognizing the impact of past toxic dynamics in your approach to conflict is the first step. Therapy can help you process those experiences and foster self-awareness and understanding. Unpacking the roots of your conflict avoidance tendencies, whether they stem from family dynamics, past traumas, or the fear of rejection and abandonment, is crucial in reshaping your relationship with conflict. Therapists can then offer tools and strategies to cultivate open communication, empathy, and constructive resolution.
Repairing Relationships: A Two-Way Street
While individuals can certainly work on overcoming conflict avoidance and repairing relationships, it's important to acknowledge that this process is a two-way street. Repairing a relationship requires the willingness and compassion of all parties involved. If the other individual(s) are not receptive to open communication, understanding, and mutual growth, attempting to repair the relationship might prove counterproductive and be potentially harmful.
That said, you can always heal the relationship you have with yourself, especially if you’re often blaming yourself for why relationships don’t work out or feel the way you want them to.
Takeaways
Individuals who have experienced toxic conflict environments in their life, especially during childhood, may develop conflict avoidance tendencies. This can make it incredibly difficult to build and maintain healthy relationships. Conflict avoidant individuals often wonder if they can repair relationships when it’s challenging to engage in conflict. But, through therapeutic work and developing self-awareness, they can gain the tools needed to make reparations and foster healthier connections.
If you find yourself navigating conflict avoidance and are seeking to repair relationships, I invite you to book a consultation to discuss your personalized treatment plan. Together, we can explore the roots of your conflict avoidance, develop effective communication strategies, and work towards fostering healthier patterns in your relationships.
Looking to connect with a therapist who understands how to support conflict avoidant individuals in repairing relationships?
Take your first step towards cultivating more resilient and connected relationships.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
