You’re allowed to change your mind!
One of the most empowering yet challenging aspects of healing from trauma is learning to set boundaries. For many who have experienced trauma, this concept can be daunting. However, it is crucial to understand that you are always allowed to change your mind and make decisions that best support your well-being.
This blog post will explore why setting boundaries is particularly important for trauma survivors, how therapy can facilitate this process, the emotions that may arise when establishing boundaries, and strategies to overcome the hurdles associated with boundary-setting.
Setting Boundaries After Trauma
For those who have experienced trauma, setting boundaries can be particularly difficult. Trauma often disrupts one’s sense of safety and self-worth, leading to challenges in asserting personal needs and limits. Here are a few reasons why someone who has experienced trauma may struggle with setting boundaries:
Fear of Rejection: Trauma survivors often fear that setting boundaries will lead to rejection or abandonment. This fear can be rooted in past experiences where their needs were dismissed or punished - including when setting a boundary actually led to being abandoned by someone.
Guilt and Shame: Survivors may feel guilty or ashamed for asserting their needs, especially if they were conditioned to prioritize others over themselves. Because they are doing something different than their norm, survivors legitimately feel uncomfortable stating their needs are important and valuable.
Uncertainty about Personal Needs: Trauma can blur the lines of what one genuinely needs or wants, making it challenging to identify and articulate boundaries. Some survivors continue to sit on what they really want, and therefore end up never sharing anything at all.
Conflict Avoidance: To avoid conflict or further harm, trauma survivors might refrain from setting boundaries, opting instead to keep the peace at the expense of their well-being. Again, this is reinforced by times when speaking up and setting a boundary led to conflict, being shamed, or being abandoned.
How Therapy Can Help You Set (and Maintain) Boundaries After Trauma
Therapy can be a transformative tool in helping individuals who have experienced trauma learn where their boundaries lie and how to set them. Here’s how therapy facilitates this process:
Reflecting on Past Trauma: Therapists support clients in exploring how past trauma has influenced current behaviors and beliefs.
Self-Discovery: Therapy provides a safe space for individuals to explore and understand their own needs, desires, and limits. Through guided reflection, clients can gain clarity on what boundaries are necessary for their well-being.
Building Confidence: Therapists help clients build confidence in their right to set and maintain boundaries. This involves addressing and dismantling feelings of guilt, shame, and fear associated with boundary-setting.
Communication Skills: Therapy equips clients with the skills needed to communicate their boundaries effectively and assertively, ensuring they are understood and respected.
Emotional Support: Therapists offer ongoing emotional support as clients navigate the often challenging process of setting and enforcing boundaries.
Setting boundaries is especially healthy for trauma survivors for several reasons:
Restoring Control: Boundaries help restore a sense of control over one’s life, which is often lost in traumatic experiences. Feeling more in control can lead to feeling safer in the world.
Protecting Mental Health: Boundaries safeguard mental health by preventing burnout, reducing stress, and ensuring that one’s emotional and physical needs are met.
Improving Relationships: Healthy boundaries contribute to more balanced and respectful relationships, where both parties’ needs are acknowledged and valued.
If this specifically hasn’t shown it itself to be true for you, it’s likely because those you’re trying to set boundaries with have been benefiting from you not setting boundaries, and they’re having a bad reaction to this new change in their relationship with you. That doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong! That actually means you’re doing something RIGHT!
Through therapy and boundary setting, an individual’s life can undergo profound positive changes, leading to greater self-respect, healthier relationships, and overall improved well-being. But, that doesn’t mean the process isn’t difficult and emotional.
The Emotions of Setting Boundaries
Setting or changing boundaries can evoke a range of emotions, both for the individual establishing the boundaries and for those around them. It is important to recognize and validate these emotions as part of the healing process.
Reactions from Others
People in your life may react with anger, hurt, or confusion when you set new boundaries. These reactions can stem from a variety of reasons, such as:
Loss of Control: Others might feel like they are losing control over the relationship dynamics.
Resistance to Change: People often resist change, especially if the previous dynamics were more favorable to them.
Misunderstanding: They may not understand the reasons behind your boundaries and perceive them as a personal rejection.
Personal Emotions
The individual setting boundaries might experience guilt, shame, or fear. These emotions are normal and stem from:
Internalized Beliefs: Years of conditioning might have ingrained beliefs that setting boundaries is wrong or selfish.
Fear of Conflict: Anticipating conflict or backlash can lead to anxiety and second-guessing one’s decisions.
Fear of Abandonment: Worrying that asserting needs might lead to rejection or abandonment by loved ones.
Remember: Boundaries are Necessary
Despite these challenging emotions, it is crucial to remember that boundaries are necessary for healing and self-care. You are always allowed to change your mind and make new choices to best support your well-being. Here’s why this is important:
Evolving Needs: As you heal and grow, your needs and priorities may change. It’s important to adjust your boundaries to reflect these changes.
Personal Growth: Changing boundaries signifies personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself.
Self-Respect: Establishing and adjusting boundaries is a profound act of self-respect and self-care, honoring your right to a safe, authentic, and fulfilling life.
Tips for Navigating Boundary-Setting
Working through the hurdle of setting new boundaries is often challenging, but with the right support and strategies, it might feel a little easier. Here are some ideas to help you navigate this process:
Therapy: Engaging with a therapist specializing in trauma recovery can provide the guidance and support needed to identify, set, and maintain healthy boundaries.
Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your well-being, such as mindfulness practices, exercise, and hobbies that bring you joy.
Supportive Individuals: Surround yourself with people who respect and support your boundaries. This might involve seeking out new communities or friendships that align with your values and needs.
Journaling: Regularly journal about your emotions and experiences related to boundary-setting. This can help you process feelings, gain clarity, and track your progress.
Assertiveness Training: Consider engaging in assertiveness training or workshops to build confidence in communicating your needs effectively.
Takeaways
Setting boundaries is a crucial step in the journey of healing from trauma. It allows you to reclaim control, protect your mental health, and foster healthier relationships. While the process can evoke a range of emotions and may be met with resistance, it is essential to remember that you are always allowed to change your mind and make choices that best support your well-being. With the right support and strategies, you can navigate this process successfully and create a life that honors your needs and promotes healing.
Looking to connect with a therapist who can help you set boundaries clearly and confidently?
Take your first step towards reclaiming control of your life and fostering healthier relationships (with yourself and others!).
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
