Why do I keep ending up with toxic people?!
Abuse in intimate relationships is a deeply distressing and complex issue that affects countless individuals worldwide. As a therapist specializing in trauma recovery, I see the impact that abusive relationships can have on a person's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. In this blog post, we’ll look at the various forms of abuse, the cyclical nature of abusive relationships, and the challenges individuals face in breaking free from such cycles.
**TW: This blog will give examples of cycles of abuse, and may be upsetting for some to read.
Different Kinds of Abusive Relationships
Abuse in intimate relationships can manifest in several forms, each with its unique characteristics and consequences. It is crucial to recognize that all forms of abuse are harmful and damaging, regardless of their severity or subtlety.
Physical Abuse
Involves the use of physical force to harm, intimidate, or control the partner. This includes hitting, slapping, pushing, choking, and other forms of physical violence.
Emotional/Psychological Abuse
Involves tactics to undermine a partner's self-worth, such as constant criticism, manipulation, gaslighting, and verbal insults. This type of abuse can be more subtle but is equally damaging.
Sexual Abuse
Involves any non-consensual sexual activity, including rape, coercion, and sexual assault. It also includes using sex as a tool for manipulation or control.
Financial Abuse
Involves controlling a partner's access to financial resources, preventing them from working, or stealing their money. This form of abuse creates economic dependency and limits the victim's ability to leave the relationship.
Social Abuse
Involves isolating a partner from friends, family, and other support networks. This isolation can make it difficult for the victim to seek help or recognize the abuse.
Digital Abuse
Involves using technology to control, harass, or stalk a partner. This can include monitoring social media activity, sending threatening messages, or demanding access to personal devices.
Regardless of the form, abuse is always about power and control. Recognizing these different types of abuse is the first step towards addressing and stopping the cycle.
The Four-Stage Cycle of Abuse
The cycle of abuse in intimate relationships typically follows a four-stage pattern: tension building, incident, reconciliation, and calm. Understanding this cycle can help identify abusive dynamics and empower individuals experiencing abuse to seek help.
Tension Building
During this stage, tension gradually builds between partners. The abuser may become increasingly irritable, angry, or moody. The victim often feels like they are "walking on eggshells," trying to avoid triggering the abuser's anger.
Incident
This stage involves an acute episode of abuse, which can be physical, emotional, sexual, financial, social, or digital. The abuser unleashes their aggression, and the victim is subjected to harm.
Reconciliation
After the abusive incident, the abuser may apologize, make excuses, or blame the victim for the abuse. They might also exhibit loving behavior, promising that it will never happen again. This is often referred to as the "honeymoon phase."
Calm
During this stage, the relationship appears to return to normal. The abuser's behavior is stable, and the victim may believe that the abuse has ended. However, this calm period is temporary, and the cycle soon begins again with tension building.
Example of the Cycle in an Intimate Relationship:
Tension Building: Sarah notices that her partner, John, has been increasingly irritable and critical of her actions. She tries to keep peace by doing everything he wants.
Incident: One night, John becomes enraged over a minor issue and physically assaults Sarah.
Reconciliation: The next day, John apologizes profusely, buys Sarah flowers, and promises never to hurt her again.
Calm: For a few weeks, their relationship seems perfect, with no signs of abuse. Sarah hopes that the worst is over, but eventually, the tension starts to build again.
Why It’s Easy to Get Stuck in the Cycle
Escaping the cycle of abuse is challenging for many reasons. Most people do not enter a relationship expecting or knowing there will be abuse. They have known (or still know) their partner to be loving, kind, and respectful, which makes the reconciliation part of the cycle particularly powerful.
Hope for Change
Victims often cling to the hope that their partner will change and that the abuse will stop. The periods of reconciliation and calm can create a strong belief that the relationship can return to its earlier, loving state. This intense swing between highs (hope/love) and lows (fear/abuse) can be addictive, in a way.
Emotional Attachment
The emotional bonds formed during the early, positive stages of the relationship can be hard to break. Victims may still love their partner and want to believe that the abusive behavior is not reflective of their true character.
Fear of Seeing the Cycle and Its Implications
While an individual may have some awareness that their relationship is unhealthy, labeling it as “abuse” can be extremely difficult. It challenges the hope that the abuser might change, compels the person to face past traumas, and risks a loss of identity tied to the relationship. It can also lead to fears of judgment from others, economic instability, and the impact on children (if applicable).
Recognizing the Cycle
It can be incredibly difficult to see the cycle of abuse when you're in it. Abusers often use manipulation tactics to convince their victims that the abuse is their fault or that it isn't happening at all. Here are some signs that you or someone you know might be stuck in the cycle of abuse:
Frequent Apologies - You find yourself constantly apologizing to your partner, even for things that aren't your fault.
Excusing Behavior - You make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
Fear of Partner - You feel afraid of your partner, especially when they are angry.
Isolation - You have lost contact with friends and family because of your partner.
Self-Blame - You believe that the abuse is your fault and that you deserve it.
Steps to Take if You Are in an Abusive Relationship
No one ever has to stay in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Abusive relationships create trauma and have long-lasting psychological effects. Here are some steps to take if you find yourself in an abusive relationship:
Acknowledge the Abuse: Recognizing that you are in an abusive relationship is the first step. Acknowledge that the behavior you are experiencing is not normal and is not your fault.
Reach Out for Help: Contact friends, family, or a trusted individual who can provide support. Use resources like domestic violence hotlines and shelters.
Create a Safety Plan: Develop a plan for leaving the relationship safely. This includes having a safe place to go, important documents, and money set aside.
Seek Professional Support: A trauma therapist can provide the tools and support needed to navigate the complexities of an abusive relationship and start the healing process.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and enforce them. Understand that it's okay to prioritize your safety and well-being.
Documentation and Legal Action: Keep a record of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions of what happened. This documentation can be helpful if you decide to seek legal protection.
The Role of Trauma Therapy in Healing
Trauma therapy is a vital component of healing from an abusive relationship. A trauma therapist can help you:
Process the Trauma: Understand and process the traumatic experiences you have endured.
Develop Coping Strategies: Learn healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the emotional aftermath of abuse.
Rebuild Self-Esteem: Work on rebuilding your self-worth and confidence.
Establish Healthy Boundaries: Learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries in future relationships.
Navigate Legal and Social Services: Get support in accessing legal and social services to protect yourself.
Takeaways
Understanding the cycle of abuse in intimate relationships is crucial for recognizing abusive dynamics and taking steps to break free. Abuse, in any form, is never acceptable, and no one deserves to endure it. If you or someone you know is struggling in an abusive relationship, know that help is available, and healing is possible. Trauma therapy can provide the support and tools needed to navigate this challenging journey and reclaim your life.
Looking to connect with a therapist who can help you stop the cycle of abuse in your life?
Take your first step towards processing and healing from trauma.
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About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
