Why you shouldn’t hold everything in
In relationships of any kind, the ability to be vulnerable and authentic is crucial for emotional well-being and depth of connection. However, many individuals find themselves navigating environments where revealing their true selves is met with disapproval, judgment, or even rejection. In such spaces, the compulsion to keep secrets and maintain a facade can give rise to a form of psychological trauma that silently takes its toll, often starting at a young age.
As a therapist specializing in trauma recovery, I've seen the impact that a pattern of secrecy and suppression can have on one's mental, emotional, and physical well-being. In this blog post, will dive into the roots of secrecy, the negative consequences of holding everything in, and ways to cultivate healing.
The Roots of Secrecy and Suppression
Imagine a young child, eager to please and seek approval from their parents. However, an atmosphere of fear and punishment looms large. The child learns that revealing certain truths leads to scolding, yelling, or worse. To avoid the impending storm, the child begins to keep secrets, creating a disconnect between their inner world and external reality.
As the child grows older, these patterns may persist, shaping relationships and interactions in ways that contribute to numerous emotional and psychological challenges. Burying their true self beneath layers of secrecy and deception becomes the default, as the child learned to fear the consequences of authenticity and vulnerability. Consequently, fostering healthy adult relationships tends to be incredibly difficult.
(Note that this tendency may not always develop in childhood. It can begin at any point in life, in any type of relationship.)
The Weight of Self-Blame
Over time, the habit of secrecy and suppression takes its toll on the psyche, resulting in a sense of guilt and self-blame. Messages like "I am a bad person" or "I am not worthy of love" can take root, driven by societal perceptions that equate secrets and lies with moral failure.
But, it’s crucial to remember that keeping secrets or telling lies does not make someone inherently bad, especially when it's done out of self-preservation or protection of others. Considering the reasoning behind the choices can be helpful in re-writing the damaging narrative that has developed.
The Somatization of Trauma
The psychological trauma inflicted by a lifetime of secrecy and suppression often manifests in physical symptoms—a somatic expression of inner turmoil and unresolved emotional pain. These somatic symptoms serve as a silent cry for help, signaling the need for deeper exploration and healing beyond the surface level of physical discomfort.
A few common symptoms are:
Chronic Stress: Living with the constant burden of secrets can elevate stress levels, contributing to long-term physical and mental health issues.
Anxiety Disorders: The fear of discovery or consequences can lead to heightened anxiety, impacting various aspects of daily life.
Depression: The internal conflict arising from maintaining a facade may contribute to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and isolation.
Gastrointestinal Issues: The gut-brain connection means that emotional distress can manifest as physical symptoms, such as stomach pain, bloating, or digestive issues.
Sleep Disorders: The stress and anxiety associated with secret-keeping can disrupt sleep patterns, leading to insomnia or other sleep-related problems.
Psychosomatic Pain: Unresolved emotional distress can manifest as physical pain, often without an apparent medical cause.
Healing Through Brain-Based Therapy
Breaking free from the cycle of secrecy and its associated trauma requires a multi-faceted approach. Brain-based therapies, such as Brainspotting, offer a promising avenue for healing. By focusing on specific eye positions, brainspotting enables individuals to access and process trauma at the neurological level, facilitating the release of pent-up emotions and fostering a sense of relief.
Additionally, it's crucial to examine the reasons behind the compulsion to keep secrets. Seeking therapy can provide a safe space to explore these patterns, identify their roots, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Understanding that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, is a pivotal step toward reclaiming authenticity.
Cultivating Compassionate Connection
Lastly, as part of the healing journey, seeking compassionate relationships becomes paramount. Surrounding oneself with individuals who value authenticity and provide a safe, non-judgmental space can be transformative. Building a support network of understanding friends, family, or a therapeutic community reinforces the notion that vulnerability is met with empathy rather than condemnation.
While much healing can be done through therapy, letting go of those relationships that don’t offer safety and compassion helps eliminate any further trauma that may affect your journey.
Takeaways
The negative consequences of holding everything in are far-reaching and profound, impacting every aspect of one's life—from mental and emotional well-being to physical health and relational dynamics. Yet, healing and transformation is possible.
By embracing brain-based therapies, cultivating compassionate connections, and bravely confronting the wounds of the past, individuals can break free from the cycle of secrecy and suppression, reclaiming their authenticity and embracing vulnerability.
If you find yourself trapped in the cycle of secrecy and suppression, know that you are not alone. Reach out for support and guidance on your journey toward healing and wholeness.
Looking to connect with a therapist who understands the importance of healing trauma from a life of keeping secrets and holding everything in?
Take your first step towards replacing fear and self-blame with compassion and empowerment.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
