The complex grief of seeking space from your parents
As a therapist specializing in trauma recovery, I often work with individuals who make the challenging decision to establish boundaries or seek space from their parents. This choice can stem from various factors, each contributing to a unique and complex set of emotions. Let's explore some common reasons why adults may choose this path and discuss the grief and guilt that accompanies such a decision.
Why Boundaries & Space Might Be Needed
Childhood Trauma: One prevalent reason for seeking space from parents is the lingering impact of childhood trauma. Individuals who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other adverse childhood events may find it necessary to distance themselves from their parents to protect their well-being. The decision to create space is a courageous step toward healing, but it comes with its own set of emotional hurdles.
Strained Relationships: Strained relationships between parents and adult children can be another catalyst for the need to establish boundaries. Constant conflict, lack of understanding/support, or unresolved issues can make maintaining a healthy connection challenging. Choosing to create space allows for personal growth and the potential for future reconciliation.
Emotional Overload: Some individuals may seek space from their parents due to emotional overload. Overbearing parents, constant demands, or a lack of emotional support can lead to feelings of suffocation. Taking a step back becomes a crucial act of self-care, allowing individuals to recalibrate and prioritize their own mental and emotional well-being.
Diverging Paths: As adults, we embark on our own unique journeys, and sometimes our paths diverge significantly from those of our parents. Differences in values, lifestyles, or fundamental beliefs can create a sense of disconnection. Seeking space in these instances is about fostering one's individuality and finding a supportive environment to flourish.
Navigating the Emotions
While the decision to distance oneself from parents can be a necessary and healthy choice, it does not negate the complex emotions that accompany such a decision. Grief, guilt, and even jealousy may arise, especially when observing others' relationships with their parents.
Grieving the relationship you never had, mourning the support that was lacking, and acknowledging the challenges of a difficult childhood are all part of this process. It's crucial to understand that your emotions are valid and deserving of acknowledgment. Allow yourself to navigate them with self-compassion.
Addressing Triggers
Interactions with parents, especially during holidays or special occasions, can serve as potent triggers, resurfacing unresolved emotions and intensifying the grief. Recognizing these triggers is the first step toward managing them. It's okay to feel sadness, anger, or longing during these moments.
Observing or discussing friends’ relationships with their parents may be triggering, as well, and bring up feelings of jealousy or resentment. If possible, address your healing journey with the important individuals in your life and explain how they can best support you.
In addition, guilt may be triggered as a result of the requests, emotions, or expectations of your parents. When you begin to set boundaries, temporary challenges around communication and understanding can arise. Know that this is normal and that you can trust in the reasoning behind your choices.
Healing through Boundaries & Chosen Family
Continuing to work on healing involves becoming clear on the boundaries needed and understanding the reasons behind seeking space. As confidence in these choices grows, interactions with parents can become more manageable. Establishing boundaries that minimize trauma while maximizing positive elements of the relationship fosters healthier connections. Consider the kinds of interactions that do feel comfortable, if any, and offer those as a way to stay connected.
Seeking out relationships with other motherly or fatherly figures can be also profoundly healing. Finding individuals who provide the support, understanding, and care that may have been lacking in the parental relationship can contribute to emotional well-being. Building a chosen family can be an empowering step in the healing process and bring a sense of peace.
Takeaways
Navigating the complex grief associated with seeking space from parents requires self-compassion, patience, and a commitment to ongoing healing. Acknowledging the valid emotions that arise, understanding the reasons behind the decision, and working towards clear boundaries can foster a healthier relationship dynamic.
If you find yourself struggling with this process, seeking support from a therapist can offer guidance and assistance in processing the grief and guilt that may accompany such a significant life choice. Remember, healing is a journey, and you deserve the support and understanding necessary to navigate it successfully.
Looking to connect with a therapist who understands the grief associated with seeking space from your parents?
Take your first step towards processing those complex emotions and confidently setting boundaries.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
