New holiday traditions after trauma
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and magic. But for those who’ve experienced trauma, the holidays can feel like anything but. Whether due to the loss of a loved one, strained relationships, or a past event that reshaped your sense of safety, holiday traditions can feel overwhelming or even triggering. The good news? You have the power to create new traditions that reflect your needs, values, and healing journey. Let’s explore how.
Why Holiday Traditions Can Feel Difficult After Trauma
Holiday traditions often carry strong emotional ties to the past. They might remind you of loved ones who are no longer here, memories of family conflict, or feelings of disconnection from the "perfect" holiday ideal. Trauma disrupts our sense of normalcy, so engaging in the same traditions can feel like trying to squeeze into a sweater that no longer fits.
During the holidays, someone with trauma might feel a mix of emotions:
Grief for what has been lost or changed.
Anxiety about gatherings, gift-giving, or managing expectations.
Loneliness, even in a room full of people.
Irritation at the constant holiday cheer or traditions that don’t resonate anymore.
Hope that this year can be different.
All these feelings are valid. Trauma can create complex responses, and it’s okay if the holidays bring a wave of emotions. Acknowledging how you feel is an important first step toward reclaiming the season in a way that feels good for you.
Gaining Awareness and Setting Boundaries
The holiday season often comes with unspoken expectations—attend every gathering, buy the perfect gifts, and plaster on a smile for every holiday photo. But if these expectations feel heavy or harmful, it’s time to pause.
Start by gaining awareness of what feels good and what doesn’t. Ask yourself:
Which traditions bring me joy, and which feel draining or triggering?
What’s motivating me to participate? (Guilt? Obligation? Genuine excitement?)
How do I want to feel during the holidays?
Once you have clarity, practice setting boundaries to protect your emotional and mental well-being. Here are a few examples:
Say no when you need to. Politely decline events that don’t feel safe or meaningful.
Communicate your needs. Let loved ones know if you’d prefer quieter celebrations or shorter visits.
Limit your exposure to triggers. If certain songs, places, or traditions bring up painful memories, it’s okay to avoid them.
Boundaries aren’t about being difficult—they’re about honoring yourself and creating space for healing.
Creating New Holiday Traditions After Trauma
If traditional holiday activities don’t feel right anymore, consider this your permission slip to reimagine the season. Creating new traditions is a way to honor where you are in your healing journey and build something that feels meaningful.
Why Create New Traditions?
Empowerment: You take control of how you celebrate, instead of being tied to the past.
Healing: New experiences can help replace negative associations with positive ones.
Connection: Fresh traditions can bring loved ones closer in ways that align with your needs.
Ideas for New Traditions
Here are some ideas to inspire you:
Celebrate on Your Terms:
Who says holidays have to involve big dinners and crowded parties? Plan a day that aligns with your interests. It could be as simple as binge-watching your favorite movies, going for a hike, or volunteering for a cause you care about.Create a "Gratitude Tree":
Replace a traditional holiday tree with one decorated with notes of gratitude or affirmations. It’s a gentle reminder of what brings joy and meaning during a tough time.Host a Trauma-Informed Gathering:
Invite a small, trusted group of friends or loved ones for a low-key celebration. Set clear expectations (e.g., no gift-giving, no political debates) and focus on connection, like sharing stories or playing games.Do Something Completely Different:
If traditional holidays feel too loaded, consider creating an entirely new experience. Spend the day traveling, trying a new hobby, or having a "do-nothing" day.Honor What Was Lost:
For those grieving, find a way to remember loved ones in a meaningful way. Light a candle, prepare a favorite recipe, or dedicate time to reflect on cherished memories.Focus on Giving Back:
Trauma survivors often find purpose in helping others. Volunteer at a shelter, adopt a family in need, or donate to a cause that’s meaningful to you.
How to Cope While Adjusting to New Traditions
Creating new traditions can be exciting, but it might also bring up feelings of guilt or sadness for letting go of the old ones. Here’s how to navigate this:
Give yourself grace. It’s okay to miss old traditions while embracing new ones. Healing takes time.
Celebrate small wins. Even if your new tradition isn’t picture-perfect, focus on the joy it brings.
Stay flexible. If something doesn’t feel right, you can always try something different next year.
Supporting a Loved One with Trauma During the Holidays
If someone you care about is navigating trauma during the holidays, your support can make a huge difference. Here’s how you can help:
Ask how you can support them. Don’t assume—everyone’s needs are different.
Respect their boundaries. If they decline an invitation or need space, honor that without judgment.
Offer alternatives. Suggest low-pressure ways to celebrate, like a casual coffee date or a quiet walk.
Be patient. Healing isn’t linear, and they might have good days and bad ones.
Remember, you don’t need to "fix" anything—your presence and understanding are enough.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy is a powerful tool for navigating the holidays after trauma. A trauma-informed therapist can help you:
Process painful memories: Explore and work through emotions tied to past holiday experiences.
Develop coping strategies: Learn techniques to manage anxiety, triggers, and overwhelming emotions.
Build new traditions: Gain support and guidance for creating a holiday season that aligns with your values and needs.
Therapeutic approaches like EMDR, Brainspotting, or Internal Family Systems can be particularly helpful in addressing the root causes of trauma and fostering a sense of safety.
Wrapping It All Up (😉)
The holidays after trauma can feel like a rollercoaster of emotions, but you don’t have to stay stuck in traditions that don’t serve you. By gaining awareness, setting boundaries, and creating new traditions, you can reclaim the season in a way that feels healing and meaningful.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, I’d love to support you. As a trauma therapist serving Oregon and Washington, I specialize in helping individuals navigate life’s challenges and build lives that feel safe, joyful, and authentic.
Looking to connect with a therapist who can help you navigate trauma and honor your own needs during the holiday season?
Take your first step towards building new traditions that align with who you are today.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual Brainspotting sessions in Oregon and Washington. In-person services are available for therapy intensives only. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
