Coping with Social Anxiety in the Moment
Imagine you’re at a party, clutching a drink for dear life, and your inner monologue sounds something like: "Do I look weird standing here? Should I be talking to someone? What if I say something stupid?" If this scenario feels all too familiar, you might be dealing with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is more than just being "shy" or "reserved." It’s an overwhelming fear of judgment, embarrassment, or rejection in social settings. And when you’re actively experiencing it, it can feel like you’re trapped in a spotlight, fumbling for an escape route. The good news? You’re not alone, and there are ways to cope. Let’s dive into what social anxiety is, how it develops, what it feels like, and practical strategies to manage it when it strikes.
What Is Social Anxiety, and Where Does It Come From?
Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is one of the most common anxiety disorders, characterized by a persistent and intense fear of social situations. It often involves a fear of being judged, criticized, or humiliated, even in everyday interactions. While occasional social awkwardness is part of being human, social anxiety goes deeper—it’s debilitating and can interfere with relationships, work, and quality of life.
How Does Social Anxiety Develop?
Social anxiety often has roots in both nature and nurture:
Nature (Genetics): Studies suggest that social anxiety can run in families, indicating a genetic predisposition. If one or both of your parents struggled with anxiety, you might have inherited a similar sensitivity to social stressors.
Nurture (Environment): Life experiences play a significant role. A history of bullying, criticism, or trauma can plant the seeds of social anxiety. Overly critical or controlling parenting styles may also contribute by creating a fear of failure or rejection.
Trauma: Specific traumatic experiences, like public humiliation or rejection, can lead to long-term fears of social interactions. This is particularly true if these experiences occur during formative years.
What Does Social Anxiety Look and Feel Like?
Social anxiety can manifest in various ways, both mentally and physically. Some common signs include:
Physical Symptoms: Sweating, shaking, blushing, rapid heartbeat, or feeling lightheaded in social situations.
Emotional Symptoms: Intense fear or dread of social interactions, even days or weeks before they happen.
Behavioral Symptoms: Avoiding parties, meetings, or any situation where you might have to talk or be observed by others.
Self-Critical Thoughts: Constantly replaying conversations in your head, scrutinizing every word you said, and assuming others are judging you harshly.
How Does Social Anxiety Affect Life?
Social anxiety doesn’t just make parties awkward; it can significantly impact:
Relationships: Difficulty forming or maintaining friendships, romantic relationships, or professional connections.
Career Opportunities: Fear of public speaking, job interviews, or team collaboration can limit career growth.
Mental Health: The constant stress of social anxiety can lead to depression, low self-esteem, and a feeling of isolation.
Coping with Social Anxiety in the Moment
When social anxiety hits, it can feel like you’re spiraling. But there are techniques to help you ground yourself and regain control:
1. Focus on Your Breath
When anxiety takes over, your body often switches to shallow, rapid breathing. Counteract this by practicing deep breathing:
- Inhale through your nose for a count of four.
- Hold your breath for four counts.
- Exhale through your mouth for six counts.
This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm your body.
2. Shift Your Attention
Social anxiety tends to amplify self-consciousness. Combat this by focusing outward:
- Notice the color of the walls, the texture of your drink, or the sound of background music.
- If you’re talking to someone, practice active listening by fully concentrating on their words.
3. Use Grounding Techniques
When your mind starts racing, try grounding exercises to bring yourself back to the present:
- Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
4. Have a Go-To “Exit Plan”
Sometimes, knowing you have an escape route can reduce anxiety. Whether it’s stepping outside for fresh air or excusing yourself to the bathroom, give yourself permission to take breaks.
5. Reframe Negative Thoughts
Challenge catastrophic thinking by asking yourself:
- Is this really true, or am I assuming the worst?
- What would I say to a friend who felt this way?
How to Support a Loved One with Social Anxiety
If someone you care about struggles with social anxiety, your support can make a huge difference. Here’s how:
Be Patient: Social anxiety can be frustrating for both parties, but patience and understanding go a long way.
Validate Their Feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel anxious and that you’re there for them without judgment.
Don’t Pressure Them: Encouragement is great, but pushing someone into uncomfortable social situations can backfire.
Offer Practical Support: If you’re attending an event together, check in with them periodically, or help them plan an exit strategy if needed.
How Therapy Can Help with Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is highly treatable, and therapy provides tools to manage it effectively. Here are some approaches that can help:
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT):
CBT is one of the most evidence-based treatments for social anxiety. It focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns and gradually exposing you to feared social situations in a controlled, supportive way.
Trauma Therapy:
For those whose social anxiety is rooted in past trauma, approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or Brainspotting can help process and reframe those experiences.
Mindfulness-Based Therapy:
Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present and reduce the hyperawareness that often accompanies social anxiety.
Group Therapy:
While it might sound terrifying at first, group therapy provides a safe space to practice social interactions and gain support from others who understand your struggles.
Takeaways
Social anxiety can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding its roots, learning how to cope in the moment, and seeking support through therapy, you can build confidence and navigate social situations with greater ease.
If you’re ready to tackle social anxiety and start feeling more at ease in your own skin, I’m here to help. I offer trauma-informed therapy to clients in Oregon and Washington, tailored to your unique needs and goals. Let’s work together to help you reclaim your life—one conversation, one deep breath, one moment at a time.
Looking to connect with a therapist who can help you develop coping strategies for your social anxiety?
Take your first step towards feeling comfortable and confident in social situations.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual Brainspotting sessions in Oregon and Washington. In-person services are available for therapy intensives only. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
