What does it mean if I’m judging my partner?
As humans, we're wired to make judgments—it's an inherent aspect of how our brains process information. Even in romantic relationships, it's not uncommon to find ourselves passing judgment on our partners. However, the key lies in understanding the nature of these judgments, recognizing their impact, and fostering open communication.
As a therapist, I often support individuals and couples in exploring the significance of their judgments and how they can serve as gateways to deeper understanding within relationships.
The Human Tendency to Judge
Judging others is an innate aspect of human cognition. Our brains are wired to categorize and make sense of the world around us through the lens of our own experiences and beliefs. These judgments can take various forms, ranging from positive assessments to less favorable critiques.
When it comes to romantic partnerships, it's important to recognize that judging your partner is not always cause for concern—it's a part of the human experience. Nevertheless, spending some time reflecting on the nature of your judgments can encourage self-growth and growth in your relationship.
The Nature of Judgments in Relationships
It's entirely normal to have judgments about your partner, and these judgments can serve different purposes. Positive judgments may reflect admiration for your partner's strengths, while not-so-positive judgments might arise from concerns about their behavior or choices.
Example of Positive Judgment: Expressing gratitude when your partner surprises you with a thoughtful gesture, such as remembering a special occasion or doing something considerate without being prompted.
Example of Negative Judgment: Assuming your partner's intentions are malicious when they make a decision without consulting you.
The critical aspect is to explore the why behind these judgments. Are you judging your partner because you'd like to see a positive change, or is it a reflection of something deeper within yourself?
Remember that judgments are only based in our own perception about an action or situation. So, in most cases, they tell us more about ourselves than the other person.
Navigating Judgments
When contemplating judgments about your partner, consider the following questions:
What are you judging your partner for?
Identify specific behaviors or characteristics that trigger your judgments.
Why are you judging them for these things?
Reflect on the underlying reasons for your judgments. Is it a desire for positive change, or are there deeper issues at play?
Is it a call for change or understanding?
Distinguish between judgments that signal a need for constructive change and those rooted in a deeper desire to understand your partner's perspective.
Opening Conversations for Positive Change
Healthy relationships thrive on open communication. If your judgments stem from a genuine desire for positive change, it's entirely acceptable to initiate a conversation with your partner. Creating a safe space for open dialogue fosters understanding and strengthens the foundation of your relationship. Approach the conversation with empathy, expressing your feelings and concerns with the intention of collaboratively finding solutions.
When Negative Judgments Prevail
If you find that your judgments are predominantly negative, and you feel irritated by every aspect of your partner's words and actions, it might be time to delve deeper. Consistent negativity can be a red flag, signaling potential underlying issues within yourself or the relationship that require attention.
Perpetual negative judgments towards your partner may indicate a presence of:
Unresolved past traumas
Unmet personal needs
Unspoken expectations
Differing values or goals
How Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy provides a supportive environment for unpacking the complexities of judgments within a relationship. Here are a few ways in which therapy can facilitate these conversations:
Exploring Root Causes:
Therapists help couples explore the root causes of judgments, identifying underlying issues that may be contributing to negative assessments.
Enhancing Communication Skills:
Couples therapy focuses on improving communication skills, fostering effective ways to express concerns and desires without creating defensiveness.
Building Empathy:
Therapists work with individuals and couples to build empathy, helping partners understand each other's perspectives and experiences.
Developing Healthy Coping Strategies:
Couples therapy equips partners with healthy coping strategies, empowering them to navigate challenges and conflicts constructively.
Individual therapy can be beneficial in this situation, as well. In fact, couples therapy is often very successful when both partners are working on themselves as individuals.
Takeaways
Judging your partner is a natural part of being human. It becomes an opportunity for growth and understanding when approached with curiosity and empathy. If you find that judgments in your relationship are causing distress or creating persistent negativity, couples therapy (or individual) can provide invaluable support.
I invite you to schedule a consultation to explore how therapy can enhance your relationship, foster open communication, and create positive change. A healthy and fulfilling partnership begins with a willingness to understand and connect.
Looking to connect with a therapist who can support you in understanding your judgments about your partner?
Take your first step towards deeper connection and mutual growth.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing and methods to promote couples reconnecting.
