Perfectionism and letting go of control
Perfectionism and high-performing anxiety are more common than you might think, and they often go hand in hand, creating a relentless pressure to excel in every aspect of life. But, beneath the surface of apparent success lies a tangled web of self-doubt and overwhelm. In this blog post, we’ll explore the roots of perfectionism, its ties to childhood trauma, and practical strategies for finding peace amidst the chaos.
Understanding Perfectionism and High-Performing Anxiety
Perfectionism is a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and the need to meet unreasonably high standards. It's the belief that any mistake or imperfection is unacceptable and reflects personal failure. For example, a perfectionist may spend hours meticulously organizing their workspace or rewriting emails multiple times to ensure they're absolutely perfect.
High-performing anxiety is the constant drive to excel, often accompanied by feelings of pressure, stress, and self-doubt. While high achievers may appear calm and collected on the surface, internally, they're grappling with an unrelenting fear of failure and a deep-seated need to prove themselves worthy. This anxiety can fuel perfectionistic tendencies, pushing individuals to strive for unattainable levels of success.
Unpacking the Origins of Perfectionism
Let’s look at when and how these personal beliefs and tendencies develop.
Childhood Expectations: Many perfectionists develop their tendencies in childhood, where they may have faced unrealistic expectations or excessive criticism from caregivers. For example, a child who received conditional love or praise only when they achieved top grades or performed perfectly in extracurricular activities may internalize the belief that their worth is tied to their achievements.
Traumatic Experiences: Childhood trauma, such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, can also contribute to the development of perfectionism. In an attempt to regain a sense of control over their lives, individuals may adopt perfectionistic tendencies as a coping mechanism. By striving for perfection, they believe they can avoid further pain or rejection.
Cultural and Societal Influences: In today's society, where success is often equated with productivity and achievement, the pressure to excel can be overwhelming. Social media platforms showcase curated images of perfection, creating unrealistic standards that individuals feel compelled to meet. This constant comparison can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and fuel perfectionistic behaviors.
Personal Traits and Temperament: Some individuals are predisposed to perfectionism due to their personality traits and temperament. Traits such as conscientiousness, self-discipline, and a strong desire for order and control can predispose individuals to perfectionistic tendencies. While these traits can be beneficial in moderation, they can become detrimental when taken to the extreme.
An important first step towards healing is taking a close look at the roots of one’s perfectionism.
Embracing Imperfection and Letting Go of Control
Individuals who are perfectionistic and have high-performing anxiety typically appear to have it all together on the outside, and maybe they do. Cleanliness, organization, preparedness, self-discipline, and high achievement are important to perfectionists; they don’t want to expose any “flaws.”
Often, though, the appearance of "perfection" is only on the surface. Beneath their flawless facade, these individuals are struggling with feelings of not being enough, intense overwhelm, and/or fear of failure. Just like the one family member or friend who maintains a pristine home but has one chaotic drawer or closet, even the most high-achieving perfectionists need a space to let go of control.
One of the most beneficial ways to begin healing from these tendencies is to find activities, spaces, and relationships where letting go of control is not only ok, but encouraged.
Support for Perfectionists
Here are some strategies for supporting yourself or someone else who's struggling with perfectionism:
Practice Self-Compassion: Cultivate self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in moments of self-doubt or failure. Remind yourself that perfection is an impossible standard, and it's okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
Set Realistic Goals: Break tasks down into smaller, more manageable goals, and set realistic expectations for yourself. Focus on progress rather than perfection, and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small.
Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and offer support. Talking about your struggles with perfectionism can help alleviate feelings of isolation and shame.
Practice Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine to cultivate present-moment awareness and reduce stress. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can help quiet the mind and promote relaxation.
Takeaways
Perfectionism and high-performing anxiety can be challenging to navigate, but they are not insurmountable obstacles. By understanding the roots of perfectionism, recognizing its ties to childhood trauma and societal pressures, and implementing practical strategies for self-care and support, individuals can begin to embrace imperfection and let go of the need for control.
Remember, healing is a journey, and it's okay to seek support along the way. If you find yourself struggling with perfectionism or high-performing anxiety, don't hesitate to reach out to a therapist specializing in trauma recovery for guidance and support. You deserve to live a life free from perfectionism, and healing is possible.
Looking to connect with a therapist who understands the messiness underneath perfectionism and high-performing anxiety?
Take your first step towards healthier self-messaging, letting go of control, and finding peace.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
