Managing Relationships When You and/or Your Partner Have Complex PTSD
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but for couples coping with the impact of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), maintaining open and productive dialogue can be especially challenging. Emotional dysregulation—a common symptom of C-PTSD—can significantly hinder communication and create an environment where misunderstandings, conflict, and emotional pain take center stage.
In this post, we'll explore what emotional dysregulation is, how it relates to complex PTSD, and how it affects communication in relationships. We'll also cover strategies for effective communication and conflict resolution, including setting boundaries for both partners. Lastly, we’ll look at how trauma therapy and couples therapy can offer invaluable support on this journey to emotional healing and connection.
Understanding Emotional Dysregulation and Complex PTSD
What is Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional dysregulation refers to an individual’s difficulty in managing or controlling their emotional responses. This can result in intense mood swings, impulsivity, and disproportionate emotional reactions to everyday stressors or conflicts.
In individuals with C-PTSD, emotional dysregulation often stems from the trauma they’ve experienced. C-PTSD is typically the result of prolonged or repeated trauma, especially trauma that occurs in relationships, such as childhood abuse, neglect, or ongoing emotional harm.
How Does Emotional Dysregulation Relate to Complex PTSD?
In individuals with complex PTSD, the nervous system often remains in a heightened state of alert long after the trauma has ended. This can lead to overreactions to triggers that remind them—consciously or subconsciously—of their past trauma. The trauma survivor’s brain may perceive threats in situations where none exist, making emotional regulation difficult. These overwhelming emotions can result in feelings of panic, rage, despair, or dissociation, all of which complicate the way they engage with their partner.
For example, someone with C-PTSD may have difficulty calming themselves after a disagreement, making it hard to have productive discussions or resolve conflict. Additionally, they may experience sudden emotional outbursts or shut down emotionally when they feel overwhelmed.
Emotional Dysregulation in Relationships: How It Affects Communication
In relationships where one or both partners are living with C-PTSD, communication can often feel like walking through a minefield. Arguments or even small disagreements can quickly escalate into intense emotional storms because one or both partners are triggered by unresolved trauma. Below are a few ways emotional dysregulation may show up in relationships:
Heightened Emotional Reactions: A small disagreement about a household chore might lead to feelings of rejection, abandonment, or rage in someone with C-PTSD. This heightened response stems from their trauma history and can leave the other partner confused or hurt.
Emotional Withdrawal or Shutdown: On the flip side, someone with C-PTSD might emotionally withdraw or go silent during conflict. This occurs because the nervous system becomes overwhelmed and enters "shutdown mode" as a protective mechanism. While this might be a way to self-protect, it can make their partner feel isolated or ignored.
Fear of Vulnerability: Those with C-PTSD often have a hard time being emotionally vulnerable, even with their partner. They might perceive intimacy as risky, making it difficult to share their feelings, needs, or fears.
Misinterpreting Intentions: Due to past trauma, individuals with C-PTSD might misinterpret their partner’s actions or words, assuming hostility or criticism where there is none. This can lead to arguments based on misunderstandings or defensiveness.
Given these dynamics, it’s clear how emotional dysregulation can create roadblocks to healthy communication. However, it’s important to know that with the right tools and support, couples can learn to navigate these emotional storms together.
Effective Communication Strategies for Couples Coping with Complex PTSD
1. Learn to Identify Triggers
One of the first steps to improving communication in relationships impacted by C-PTSD is understanding each other's triggers. Triggers are external events or situations that remind a person of their trauma, causing emotional distress. Having open conversations about what those triggers are—whether it’s a specific tone of voice, a particular phrase, or certain types of conflict—can help both partners recognize when emotional dysregulation is likely to occur.
For example, if one partner knows that raised voices are a trigger for the other, they can be more mindful of their tone during disagreements. This awareness helps create a more compassionate and empathetic dynamic.
2. Use “I” Statements
During emotionally charged conversations, it’s easy to fall into patterns of blaming or accusing language, which can intensify emotional dysregulation. One simple but powerful tool is the use of "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For instance, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," a partner could say, "I feel unheard when I try to express my feelings."
This shift in language reduces defensiveness and helps both partners communicate their feelings and needs more clearly. It also opens the door for vulnerability and encourages listening rather than arguing.
3. Practice Active Listening
Active listening is a skill that can drastically improve communication. This involves not just hearing the words your partner says but also paying attention to the emotions behind them. In practice, this means making eye contact, nodding, summarizing what your partner is saying, and responding with empathy rather than immediately reacting.
When both partners feel heard and validated, it reduces emotional tension and fosters a sense of safety. This is especially important for someone with C-PTSD, as feeling emotionally safe is crucial for healing.
4. Take Breaks During Conflict
Sometimes, the best way to prevent an argument from spiraling out of control is to take a break. Emotional dysregulation can escalate quickly, and stepping away from the conversation—before emotions get too intense—can help both partners cool down and reflect. Taking a break isn’t about avoiding the issue, but rather allowing space for each partner to regulate their emotions before returning to the conversation with a clearer perspective.
During this break, it can be helpful to practice calming techniques such as deep breathing or mindfulness exercises. This helps to reset the nervous system, which is particularly beneficial for individuals with C-PTSD.
5. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially in relationships impacted by C-PTSD. Setting boundaries ensures that both partners know their limits and what they need in order to feel safe. For example, one partner might need time to process their emotions after a disagreement, while the other might need to set limits on certain types of conversations that feel triggering.
Boundaries aren't about shutting the other person out; they are about creating a framework that allows both partners to feel secure and respected. It’s important to have ongoing conversations about boundaries and to honor them in the relationship.
Supporting a Partner with C-PTSD
If your partner has C-PTSD, it’s important to offer support in a way that respects their emotional needs without sacrificing your own well-being. Here are some ways to support a partner who is coping with emotional dysregulation:
Offer Reassurance: Providing reassurance during difficult moments can help your partner feel grounded. Let them know you are there for them and that their feelings are valid.
Avoid Reacting to Emotional Outbursts: If your partner becomes emotionally dysregulated, avoid escalating the situation by reacting defensively or aggressively. Instead, remain calm and encourage them to take a break to self-regulate.
Encourage Therapy: Supporting your partner in seeking individual trauma therapy can be one of the most helpful steps. Encourage them to work with a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery and emotional regulation.
How Individual and Couples Therapy Can Help
For couples coping with complex PTSD and emotional dysregulation, therapy can be a lifeline. Individual trauma therapy allows each partner to work on their personal emotional regulation, while couples therapy provides a space for both partners to improve their communication, empathy, and conflict resolution skills.
Individual Trauma Therapy
In individual trauma therapy, the person with C-PTSD works with a therapist to process and heal from their trauma. Somatic therapies like Brainspotting and EMDR are particularly effective for addressing trauma that is stored in the body, helping the individual develop better emotional regulation. These therapies can help the individual feel more secure and grounded, which directly benefits their relationships.
Couples Therapy
Couples therapy provides a safe environment for both partners to learn and practice effective communication strategies. A trauma-informed couples therapist can help both partners navigate emotional dysregulation and provide tools for resolving conflict without triggering further emotional harm. It can also help couples rebuild trust, foster deeper intimacy, and create a more supportive and connected relationship.
Takeaways
Emotional dysregulation, particularly in the context of complex PTSD, can make communication in relationships incredibly challenging. By understanding triggers, practicing effective communication techniques, and setting boundaries, couples can learn to navigate emotional storms and cultivate a more secure connection.
If you or your partner are struggling with complex PTSD and emotional dysregulation, individual trauma therapy or couples therapy can offer invaluable support. I offer trauma-informed therapy (in Oregon and Washington) and use brain-based modalities, such as Brainspotting and EMDR, to help individuals and couples heal from trauma and build healthier relationships. I also offer therapy intensives — an accelerated approach to healing.
Read more about my therapy intensive services here:
Brainspotting & EMDR Intensives
If you're ready to take the next step in healing and improving communication in your relationship, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can work toward creating a relationship built on trust, understanding, and emotional safety.
Looking to connect with a therapist who can help you navigate complex PTSD in your relationship(s)?
Take your first step towards healing from trauma and fostering healthier connections in your life.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual Brainspotting sessions in Oregon and Washington. In-person services are available for therapy intensives only. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
