How your attachment style affects your friendships & dating life
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As a recap (or read my blog describing the attachment theory and styles here), one’s attachment style refers to the way we relate and attach to others, how we feel about ourselves, and how we interact with others in our day-to-day lives. Attachment styles are usually categorized into four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Secure attachment style: comfortable with intimacy, generally trusting of others, communicate emotions effectively, able to lean on others for support
Anxious attachment style: uncomfortable in their relationships, anxious and insecure about the stability and longevity of relationships, fear rejection or abandonment
Avoidant attachment style: uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, experience difficulty leaning on and trusting others
Disorganized attachment style: experience consistent confusion, mistrust, and fear in relationships
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Now why you’re here…
Attachment theory primarily came out of research between infants and caregivers, so what does attachment style have anything to do with your current relationships, you may ask?
While our attachment style may develop in infancy, it is changed or maintained by our series of relationships throughout our lives.
How does my attachment style affect my friendships?
People with a secure attachment style tend to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with their friends. They value emotional connection and prioritize communication in their friendships and since they go all in without the fear of rejection or abandonment, they form the most authentic friendships. Securely attached people are also more likely to be empathetic and responsive to their friends' needs, which leads to a strong foundation for long-lasting friendships.
People with an anxious attachment style, are in constant worry about their friendships, and since they’re afraid of being abandoned, they tend to be people pleasers with little-to-no boundaries. This might lead to codependent relationships that may ultimately strain the friendship.
People with avoidant and disorganized attachment styles may struggle with both intimacy and independence. They may want to form close friendships but may also fear being hurt or rejected, leading to a cycle of push and pull in their friendships. They may also struggle with expressing their emotions and may come across as unpredictable or inconsistent in their friendships.
Across the insecure attachment styles, there can be frequent misunderstandings and miscommunications that can ultimately damage the friendship.
What about romantic relationships?
When it comes to dating and relationships, our attachment style can have a significant impact on how we approach and navigate romantic connections, influencing the types of relationships we form and how we behave in them.
As stated above, people with a secure attachment style tend to have the healthiest relationships, as they are able to form strong connections with partners based on mutual trust and respect.
People with an anxious or avoidant attachment style, conversely, may struggle to maintain healthy relationships, as their attachment patterns can lead to constant conflicts due to mistrust, emotional distance, and dissatisfaction.
The good news is that none of this is set in stone. Just because you may resonate more with an insecure attachment style, doesn’t mean you’re destined to a lifetime of unfulfilling, short-lived relationships. In fact, many attachment-informed therapists these days refer to these patterns as “attachment strategies” rather than attachment styles.
If you have an insecure attachment style/strategy, it is important to be aware of your attachment patterns and work to develop healthier habits in your relationships.
This may involve walking the path with the help of an attachment therapist to address underlying issues and fix them from their roots.
Stay tuned to the next blog post in this series about how therapy can help those with an insecure attachment to become more secure in their relationships!
As a therapist, I spent years studying, researching, and working with attachment-related concerns.
Interested in learning about how those with insecure attachment tendencies can become more secure in their relationships?
Stay tuned for one more blog with additional information!
Are you looking to connect with an attachment-focused therapist?
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
