What are boundaries, and why do they matter?
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
- Prentis Hemphil
I’ve been talking a lot about boundaries this week, and that’s because we all struggle with them at some point. Even us therapists.
What makes it hard to set and adhere to our own boundaries?
How about a different question? What makes it easy to set and adhere to boundaries? If you grew up in a family, culture, and time where people in authority and with power (including parents) actively asked you what you wanted, what you needed, and what you would like, and fully and wholly made it possible and supported you in those paths, especially when it included setting a boundary, saying no, prioritizing your needs over someone else’s… well, I don’t know that you’d be reading this post.
There are so many things stacked up against us these days that make it difficult to set a boundary. And then to actively apply over and over and over. To remind ourselves of the reason we set the boundary and to continue to enforcing it.
So many people come into therapy because they’re frustrated that they always prioritize others, they never prioritize themselves, they can’t say no to someone else without being wrecked with guilt, and they don’t feel like they can take the mask off or break the emotional walls down.
Sounding familiar?
Here’s what I know.
At some point in our lives, we either witnessed or personally experienced someone setting a boundary and having it horrifically violated.
We’ve all heard of the fight-flight-freeze system, right? Where we perceive danger or a threat and our brains make a split second decision about which strategy best protects us and acts on it?
I hear a number of people ask “why couldn’t I have ran away?” “why couldn’t I have said no?” “why didn’t I fight back?” It sucks, but that decision is not one that you really have control over. That “decision” happens like a reflex or impulse. Like when a doctor taps on a tendon in your knee and your legs reflexively kicks.
I recently attended a training in Brainspotting (a technique for treating trauma) where the speaker suggested we should all really be calling it the flight-fight-freeze system because it is our primary evolutionary instinct to flee from a situation. I mean, think about it. Our odds for survival would be significantly lower if we all chose to fight the saber tooth tiger, the mugger, or the abusive partner or parent.
I hear you now.
“Yeah, yeah, but what does that have to do with boundaries??”
Boundaries are inherently a concept based in safety and comfort. How do we keep ourselves safe and comfortable?
The problem is (at least one of the problems) that we all have a different base sense of safety and comfort. And a lot of this comes from how we were raised in our families.
By and large, many of the people I’ve worked with over the years who struggle with boundary setting struggle because they grew up in families where boundaries weren’t allowed, it was safer to not have boundaries (or at least safer to not verbalize those boundaries or call out when boundaries have been violated), or boundaries were explicitly disrespected.
And so what happens over time? We minimize our boundaries - thereby minimizing our needs, our wants, our values, our emotions. We believe we don’t even really need them.
And then what happens? We feel less valued and less seen in our relationships. We feel more taken advantage of. We definitely don’t feel like anyone values our true selves, because they don’t know our true selves. And then we stop and think…
“Do I even know my true self?”
This is why boundaries are important. We have to learn where the line between us and someone else starts and stops. We have to learn about and prioritize our self-worth. In doing so, we can actually strengthen our relationships.
“Wait, hold on - I strengthen my relationships by knowing about and setting more boundaries?”
Yes!
Let’s repeat that quote from above.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
Boundaries help us to know where each individual relationship starts and stops. Increased clarity means better expectations and increased reliability.
Think about it like this. Often people come to therapists for “an outside, third party, unbiased perspective.” How do we do that? Boundaries! That doesn’t mean people hate their relationships with therapists (usually that happens when there’s a bad fit). In fact, most people find that it really helps, and makes them more comfortable sharing with their therapists.
Boundaries are a not a bad concept, they are not a dirty word, they are not the thing that ends all relationships. Even if you’ve been told this.
Let’s Talk Skills
What are some types of boundaries?
Physical boundaries: your sense of personal space and comfort with physical touch
Intellectual boundaries: the integrity of your thoughts and ideas
Emotional boundaries: limiting when and with whom to share specific information
Sexual boundaries: the emotional, physical, and intellectual aspects of your sexuality
Material boundaries: setting limits on what you will share and with whom
Time boundaries: how a person uses their time
What can I say to set a boundary?
“No.”
“I’m not comfortable with this.”
“I can’t do that for you.”
“This is not acceptable.”
“Please don’t do that.”
“This doesn’t work for me.”
“Not at this time.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“I’ve decided not to.”
“I’m drawing the line at ____.”
Take aways
A guiding point I consistently remind myself and the clients I work with is this.
“You cannot change anything else: not the weather, the past, the economy - and especially not other people. You cannot change others. More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness. And it is impossible. What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.” (Boundaries, Cloud & Townsend, p. 91; see link in resources below)
And finally, if someone has a negative reaction to you setting a boundary (i.e., they cause you to feel guilty, they pester you until you take back your boundary, etc.), that’s a great sign that they are gaining more from their relationship with you than you are from them.
Know your limits. Know your values. Listen to your emotions.
Resources for further support and reflection
A short video (4mins, 19 secs) that highlights how boundary issues begin with family issues.
Therapist Aid: a website that has tons of worksheets and self-help resources (in English and Spanish) on boundaries, as well as depression, anxiety, communication, etc.
Boundaries book: very helpful and insightful book on the concept of boundaries. The authors have written it through a lens of Christianity, but myself and other clients who identity as non-Christian also find it very helpful.
Want some help talking through boundaries or past relationships where your boundaries have been minimized or violated?
Looking to connect with a therapist who understands the importance of valuing self-worth and setting boundaries in relationships?
Take your first steps towards improving your relationship.
(Oregon & Washington residents only)
About the author
Amanda Buduris is a licensed psychologist providing virtual therapy services in Oregon and Washington. She is trained in multiple modalities of trauma-focused healing to best support clients who are looking to feel better faster.
